Le Chou News: 'You're Lucky I Even Let You Retire,' Says Macron

Le Chou News: 'You're Lucky I Even Let You Retire,' Says Macron

Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical streak. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.

*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*

‘You’re Lucky I Even Let You Retire,’ Macron Tells Protestors

French President Emmanuel Macron told rioters in Paris that if they do not stop burning down the city, he will increase a controversial new retirement age again from 64 to 66 years and “even further if necessary”.

Macron is under immense pressure after forcing through the retirement age increase without the consent of parliament, triggering widespread protests across France.

The president has now told rioters that he will increase the new limit again if unrest continues in Paris and other French cities. “I’ll do it. I don’t give a shit, as you’ve probably figured out by now,” he told reporters.

“Look, you old bastards are lucky that I’m letting you retire at all,” a typically bullish Macron told protestors before posting an ad for new riot police officers on LinkedIn.

The French government was also forced to cancel a state visit by King Charles III, England’s new king, over safety fears sparked by the protests. “We all know what happened to the last King Charles that was here,” explained one top security official.

Czechia’s President Is ‘Dangerously Handsome’: Report

Czechia’s new president, former NATO general Petr Pavel, is “dangerously handsome” and “has distractingly good looks”, according to a new report compiled by US intelligence agency the CIA.

Pavel, who is referred to in the CIA handbook as a “white haired fox” and “Central European Pedro Pascal”, was recently elected by Czech voters as the country’s new head of state, defeating former prime minister Andrej Babiš in a landslide.

“Diplomats should be aware that they may get lost in President Pavel’s eyes during negotiations,” the leaked guidelines state.

Czechia’s president was recently pictured riding a Harley Davidson motorcycle, prompting incumbent European hotties Pedro Sanchez and Sanna Marin to call an emergency meeting to discuss the issue.

Sources say that Spain and Finland’s dishy prime ministers feel that their aesthetic hegemony might be threatened by Pavel’s debut on the scene. Talks continue and the leaders are considering whether to invite Pavel to join their exclusive club.

Vučić Loses Half Of Serbia To Hungary In Pool Match

Serbian President Aleksandar Vučić lost all territory north of the Danube last week in a high-stakes pool match with Hungary's PM. The hapless head of state has faced criticism from political allies who insist that he "should not have been showboating" in such an important game.

Vučić's week started normally enough, as another round of talks with Kosovo officials ended in disappointment. Serbia's president said during his weekly TV interview that he had refused to sign a deal until more legal guarantees are provided but sources inside the room claim that it unfolded very differently.

“He told everyone he would sign it but when we put a pen in his hand, he leapt up like a rabbit and ran screaming out of the room,” one anonymous source told Le Chou. Rumours that Vučić also wet himself could not be verified.

After leaving the talks in disgrace, Serbia’s head of state then hosted Hungary’s Viktor Orban in Belgrade, losing a high-stakes pool match after an ill-judged attempt at a trick shot went horribly wrong.

Unfortunately for Vučić that means that everything north of the Danube now belongs to Hungary. The president later claimed that the match was "just a photo opportunity" and "a friendly game between mates". Viktor Orban has since distanced himself from those comments.

Orban is reportedly playing darts against Romania’s president next week and bowling with Slovakia's prime minister the week after, in a bid to reclaim more of Big Hungary’s former territory and distract voters from his government's shoddy economic policies.

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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*

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