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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
Larry The Cat Gets NATO Top Job
Larry the Cat, best known for his tenure as 10 Downing Street’s resident mouser, has been named the next secretary-general of the NATO military alliance, following a comprehensive and exhilarating selection process organised by Le Chou News.
In a thrilling final match-up between Larry and two raccoons stuffed into a trenchcoat, the British feline emerged triumphant with 52% of the vote. Larry had already dispatched a Nokia 3310, while the raccoons had made short work of ubiquitous actor Pedro Pascal.
Other candidates that made the knockout stages but who were unable to mount a serious challenge included the Dark Lord Voldemort, Emmanuel Macron in disguise, the Ever Given cargo vessel and pineapple pizza. ChatGPT, which defeated Larry in the group stages, ultimately ran out of momentum as well.
“Larry is a safe pair of hands to guide NATO in the coming years. He’s British but it looks like he hates the UK government as much as the rest of Europe,” said a top political analyst. "We know that Putin is a dog person, so maybe this is a hawkish appointment but that's just another geopolitical risk we will have to manage."
Pedro Pascal has now been tapped to serve as deputy sec-gen after runners-up two raccoons stuffed into a trenchcoat declined the position and were last seen rooting through some bins in NATO’s backyard.
“Two raccoons stuffed into a trenchcoat were a dark horse in this contest, making short work of Charles Michel, Moominpappa and Pope Francis,” said one NATO watcher, adding “their stance on Russia was just too ambiguous though.”
Indeed, two raccoons had refused to explain any of their plans for their potential tenure as secs-gen, other than revealing that there would be “way more dumpsters” at all military bases. Originally from Canada, two raccoons were initially seen as just a joke candidate but they eventually proved popular with voters.
At his first press conference following the vote, Larry indicated he will insist that NATO members double their milk budgets and invest more time in belly scratches. The 15-year-old puss also says that he will personally root out any unpleasant vermin at the alliance’s HQ.
Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban was not immediately available for comment.
Staffers at alliance headquarters in Brussels have already started making preparations for Larry’s time in office, installing cat flaps in every doorway and stocking up on empty cardboard boxes for the new sec-gen to sit in.
NATO interns, keen to curry favour with the new boss, have already been seen perusing the cat food aisles at local supermarkets. “I hear that Larry really likes a bit of tuna now and then,” said one career conscious trainee.
Extra! Extra!
*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
