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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
Charles Michel Arrested At Coronation
European Council boss Charles Michel was arrested at King Charles III’s coronation on Saturday after trying to steal the monarch’s chair.
Michel was intercepted by royal guards on duty at Westminster Abbey before the former Belgian PM could sit on the golden throne.
He was taken away to an undisclosed location before being unceremoniously dumped onto the next Eurostar back to mainland Europe.
The gaffe-prone Council chairman is of course no stranger to seated larceny, having infamously dethroned Ursula von der Leyen during a meeting with Türkiye’s president.
“Thankfully, we were given an anonymous tip about a potential breach of throne security,” said one royal guard, adding that “the informant spoke with a soft German accent”.
A spokesperson later insisted that Michel did not deliberately interrupt the coronation, explaining that there was “simply a misunderstanding about protocol”.
ECB Hikes Interest Rates After Tarot Reading
The European Central Bank has upped interest rates again after a deck of tarot cards indicated that it is “an auspicious period”.
Bank President Christine Lagarde spent all of Wednesday morning consulting the cards in a room covered in red velvet before emerging amid a cloud of incense to tell reporters that rates would increase again.
“The cards support this decision. The tower card represents the bank and the death card is actually a positive thing,” Lagarde explained. “Pay no attention to the card showing a man dressed in rags covered in boils.”
Officials also interpreted good signs from a bag of runes, a handful of fish bones and a group of swallows flying in a westwardly direction. “The indications could not be more positive,” said the ECB’s top economist.
Next month, Lagarde and her team will reportedly travel deep into a forest near Frankfurt to perform an archaic druids ritual to decide whether to keep quantitative easing.
EU Hands Ukraine Ammo Cheat Codes
The European Union has gifted the Ukraine government infinite ammunition and tank spawn cheat codes in a bid to help the invaded nation repel Russian aggressors.
EU officials have handed over the codes after paying €1.99 per minute to call the cheat code hotline.
“We realised that there was no way we could spend that much money on manufacturing more bullets and guns, so we decided to do it the easy way,” Commission President Ursula von der Leyen told reporters.
Commission officials have, however, warned Ukraine generals that once they use the codes they will not be able to save their progress.
In addition to those codes, Ukraine has also taken possession of a bandana that offers infinite rocket launchers and a code for ‘big head mode’.
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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
