Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical streak. Follow live updates on Twitter and watch Le Chou TV on Instagram.
*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
What Next For Wagner PMC?
With Yevgeny Prigozhin confirmed dead and thousands of hardened criminal-soldiers in need of a new commander, Le Chou takes a look at the possible names in the mix to be the next head of the Wagner Group.
Prigozhin died the way he lived: surrounded by dudes in a small metal tube. Now that his death has been formally confirmed by the Kremlin, his private army needs a new boss and there is no shortage of potential names being bandied around.
One of the favourite candidates is Prigozhin himself, either through artificially generated videos or body doubles to keep his mutinous soldiers in line. Putin’s initial plan to operate the former caterer’s body like a marionette was thwarted when the plane crash reduced it to a bloody sludge.
Failing that, other candidates like Putin-henchman and bumbling oaf Alexander Lukashenko have been linked with the role. Lukashenko may have talked himself out of the job last week though when he told Russia’s president that they should launch a full inquest into the death of “our dear friend”.
Donald Trump is a “too obvious a choice”, insist Wagner officials, citing his very public profile and legal troubles as a turnoff. If Trump is forced to flee the country anytime soon though, he may be offered some sort of ambassadorial role.
According to insiders, European Council President Charles Michel has made informal inquiries about the position. The Belgian will be out of a job himself next year and is also tempted by the prospect of using a private army to get revenge on the many people who have mocked him during his tenure.
Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban is understood to have dropped out of the running, telling Putin that he basically already has his own private army and that the job would involve him taking a serious pay cut.
Perennial top job candidate Alexander Stubb, who is concurrently running for president of Finland at the next election, has also been talked about by higher-ups. EPP chief Manfred Weber has already been ruled out by the Kremlin.
The European Commission confirmed to Le Chou that its revolving door policy for former officials indeed applies to Russian private military groups after ex-farm boss Phil Hogan was linked with the job by the Irish press.
Hogan’s spokesperson has since distanced the former Commissioner from the Wagner role, clarifying that he only provided “consulting services, nothing formal”. Transparency groups are now keeping an eye on other slippery customers that used to work for the EU executive.
Spain’s football association has said in a statement that it would not stand in the way of creepy president Luis Rubiales joining the group after a Wagner spokesperson said that “he seems to share some of our values”.
Finally, former UK Prime Minister Liz Truss has also reportedly been sounded out. “She is certainly not our first choice, given her disastrous record, but we’ll take what we can get,” said one sub-commander.
The Kremlin is casting a wide net in any case. Just last week, a job ad appeared on LinkedIn for the Wagner role, calling on “any candidates interested in private jet travel and murderous rampages” to apply.
“Applicants should have a background in food preparation. Candidates with a history of mutiny or insurrection need not apply,” the ad adds.
Putin has in the meantime agreed to star in and host a new broadcasted search for a new Wagner boss, with the programme said to pay direct homage to ‘The Apprentice’, the TV vehicle that propelled Donald Trump toward the White House. It is also being billed as Russia's 'Next Top Warlord'.
Flanked by trusted advisors Margarita Simonyan and Vladimir Solovyov, Russia’s president will whittle 20 aspiring genocidal maniacs down to just one lone lunatic. Weekly challenges will include poisoning dissidents and launching coups in West Africa.
