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Ireland is frantically searching for someone to represent it at this week’s European Council summit after Taoiseach Leo Varadkar unexpectedly resigned from his post on the eve of the meeting. Several candidates have been tapped to go in his stead.
Varadkar’s surprise resignation a day before the Council summit has left Ireland in somewhat of a bind. Some diplomatic sources say that he will still attend the meeting, while others claim that a replacement will be flown in instead.
According to top anonymous officials contacted by Le Chou, there is a shortlist of candidates that has been drawn up by ministers in Dublin. Given the tight deadline, the preferred picks might not be able to make it in time.
Oscar winner and ‘Peaky Blinder’ Cillian Murphy is reported to be the number one option. However, some government officials are worried that ‘Murphy mania’ has reached saturation point and that the ‘Oppenheimer’ star may not receive a warm welcome at the summit.
Instead, the role might go to fellow actor Barry Keoghan, who recently shot to fame on the back of the success of ‘Saltburn’, a movie in which Keoghan plays a university student who does awful things in the bathroom and at a friend’s funeral.
EU Council diplomats admit that Keoghan might get on well with fellow “total weirdo” Charles Michel if he gets the nod.
Other possible substitutes include the entire Irish rugby team, singer-songwriter Bono and missing English princess Kate Middleton.
MMA star Conor McGregor has also offered to go to Brussels “and kick some serious eurocrat arse”, as well as promote his new Amazon Prime movie.
However, that move has been blocked by Irish President Michael D. Higgins, who told reporters “that McGregor gobshite ain’t representing Ireland. Over my dead body.”
A further long-shot might be US President Joe Biden, who never fails to remind anyone who will listen that he is descended from Irish immigrants.
Biden, who is getting ready to campaign for reelection against Donald Trump, reportedly told aides that “I thought we owned Ireland anyway?”
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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
