Apologies for the stupid headline. I was just trying to drum up a bit of enthusiasm for the speech the EU President is about to deliver in Strasbourg, in 1 day 3 hours 12 minutes and 10 seconds, according to the timer on the EU website. Because, well let’s be honest, it’s often quite dull.
And how could it not be, when Eursula von der Leyen (sorry, that’s the last time I do that) has to demonstrate the EU’s commitment to the green deal, while not upsetting German car makers, and promising to cut red tape, while also regulating big tech, and saying something about Ukraine, while not starting World War Three, and trying to keep upbeat about the EU despite Iceland’s firm rejection of membership.
So if you think it’s dull, why don’t you try writing a speech that doesn’t offend any one of 27 different democracies. Even AI might struggle.
It would be different if Ursula was president of, let’s say, a country on the other side of the Atlantic. There would be fireworks as she stepped on stage. She’d smile sweetly as the speakers boomed out a number by some pop icon. The crowd would shout out, Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!
But hang on, let’s pause just a minute. How would it be if the EU President, nearing the end of her term in office, decided to copy the guy on the other side of the ocean. First, sitting in her room on the top floor of the Berlaymont, she decides the building needs a ballroom, the biggest ballroom in Belgium, and orders the demolition of The Old Hack pub.
Then, looking out of the window, she sees the dreary Schuman Roundabout down below, sadly now known as the world’s biggest frying pan. What it needs, she thinks, is a monument, something big, like an arch, but there’s already an arch in the park, so how about a tower, a tower of Babel, symbolising enduring European values.
And then, out for a run in the Cinquantenaire park, she notices the round pond is looking a bit sad. So she calls up a guy she knows, Hans who did her patio, and gets him to give it a makeover, which costs a fortune and leads to algae.
Still fretting about her legacy, Ursula decides to rename somewhere on the map. Looking at Google, she notices The English Channel. Dammit, she thinks, they voted to leave the EU, so we’re going to call it the Straits of Europe.
Maybe, when you think it over, we’re quite lucky in Europe. Even if the president doesn’t promise us a €5,000 cheque, or orders us to swear an oath of loyalty (that didn’t turn out so well in 1934), we’ve still got good healthcare, clean air, safe cities, some sort of democracy.
The one thing we don’t do in Europe that we might consider is to build a presidential library. Personally, I’d be happy to fund such an institution, if only to show my appreciation for the years Von der Leyen has spent holed up in her office, looking down on Frying Pan Square.
