From cultural clashes to a life-changing dating coach experience, one man shares his experiences of dating in Brussels.
This article is part of The Brussels Times' dating series, which includes columns and interviews with experts and members of the public on all matters of the heart.
Do women have it harder than men in the dating world? Safety concerns aside, perhaps not always. Following an interview with a Finnish woman who spoke to The Brussels Times about her dating experiences, ranging from hilarious to harrowing, a man offers his insights into the challenges heterosexual men face when dating in Brussels.
Luka*, 34, is from the Balkans and works for an aviation consultancy. He's used apps such as Hinge and Bumble for five years and has had around 20 dates since moving to Brussels in 2018.
"I hate swiping. On Tinder, as a man, you have to pay if you want to have any success at all," he says.
In his experience, Luka says women often conceal their faces on the apps. "Women are ashamed to show their faces. There are plenty of photos with Snapchat filters, hiding their faces with their hair, or zoomed out photos. You don't know who she is."
He also says there is "not much creativity" on people's profiles. Dating app prompts (questions that users fill out when creating their profiles) are often generic and bios are usually left empty. "It turns me off," he says, adding that a profile with only selfies and no bio makes it harder to start up a conversation.
Cultural clashes
Brussels' diverse mix of cultures can also make dating tricky, as people have different expectations. Women from Lebanon and Turkey, for example, have previously asked him to buy them flowers and even order a taxi for them before a first date. This is what they're used to in their home countries, but something he is not accustomed to.
"One woman said, 'Are you going to order an Uber for me?' I said no. And then she ghosted me. They have standards, so I get it," he says. "Some guys would happily oblige and pay for dinner, pay for your taxi, pay for everything. And some women look for that."
Luka describes the Brussels dating scene as "very Western" compared to back home. "Here, if you date multiple people, that's normal. For us, if you go on a second or third date with somebody, you're technically in a relationship."
Coupled with cultural barriers, Luka says the onus is often on men to make the first move, take the lead on the date, pay and follow up afterwards.
He believes that if he organises the date and chooses the location, then he should pay, but if it's the woman's decision, it's on her. "If I get asked out and then she chooses the place, then I will expect her to pay. I'd still offer, but it's a red flag if she doesn't."
Luka doesn't have any dating horror stories, just "weird experiences". One Indian girl said she was looking for a long-term relationship on her profile, for example, but when he went to meet her, she told him her boyfriend was out of town and she was feeling lonely.
On another date, a woman spent most of the evening talking about her female colleague and said she had a crush on her. "It was quite an annoying date. I even travelled outside of Brussels to see her."
Another time, he hit it off with a girl, but when he went to meet her, he was surprised to find her friend was also there.
"I expected her friend to leave, but she didn't. And then I had to talk to both of them, and both of them flirted with me. I didn't know what to think. Like, are you interested in me? Is your friend? Are you both interested in me? I was very confused. If you want a threesome, I understand, but then show some innuendos." He didn't see either of them again.
Man deletes dating apps from his phone. Credit: Openverse
Luka says he doesn't feel resentment towards women from his dating experiences, but more towards the dating scene in general. "Ghosting and cancelling at the last minute are just normal now. I barely meet women who will be honest and direct with me," he says.
"I'll have a really good date, and then we'll talk about seeing each other again. I get enthusiastic, and even text later, and then they vanish."
He says that there has to be "energy from both sides" when building any relationship. "But I've seen that women are just expecting the guy to invest a lot," he says.
"Sometimes it feels like I’m putting in 95%, and the girl's putting in 5%. I'm not saying it happens all the time, but usually, that's what happens."
'Women must be more selective'
In his view, women are more selective than men on the apps, but they need to go further. "Women will get 150 matches, and I will have 10-20. For men, it's easier to filter because we get fewer matches, but if you get 150, you have to figure out a way to find what you're looking for."
He has seen his female friends, who want to be in a long-term relationship, swipe right for men who put no effort into their profiles. "And then they say, 'I can't find someone I can connect with', or they say they're scared of dating in Brussels. But they're not filtering to get exactly what they want," he says.
"I see women make so many mistakes when it comes to dating and they wonder what happened and try to blame the apps or men in general. But the filtering has to be more aggressive on the woman's side. They need to stop swiping right on men's profiles with selfies and showing off their abs."
Men, in turn, "swipe on everything". They are focused more on physical attraction, he says, while women generally want a stronger emotional connection and have higher standards. This is a key difference in how men and women use the apps, he believes.
"Men, in general, just look at how hot the girl is. So even if she's slightly cute, they will swipe right. Maybe there are selfies, maybe she has a boyfriend, maybe she's pansexual, maybe she's conservative. They don't care. They just want to 'smash'."
When asked whether men should also be more selective, Luka says, "I don't know what to say to men, but I know how men think." Most men are looking for a hook-up, he says, but won't clarify that this is what they want.
Luka believes that women will often "test" a man to gauge his intentions, especially if they haven't been treated well in the past. He also acknowledges that many women feel unsafe when dating.
"Women will sometimes act a bit bratty to see if men can handle them. They want to see if a man is emotionally mature or if he's a creep. They'll say something negative about him, like 'I don't like your beard'. It's a test to see how he'll react."
'Getting a dating coach completely changed me'
Luka's approach to dating has changed significantly over his time in Brussels. "When I started using the apps, I could never get a date. I never had anybody in my life to teach me this stuff. So, I had to figure it out by myself."
After a year of no luck and copy-paste prompts, he decided to hire a dating coach – "and it completely changed me".
The three-month programme involved coaching calls four times a week. It taught him how to improve his dating profile, showcase his personality and interests, and ask questions out of genuine curiosity rather than make small talk.
"Before I was writing silly stuff, like, 'I'm Romeo looking for his Juliet'. It's crazy and turns everybody off. Now, I have something related to coffee and music."
Through the programme, he also found a community of other like-minded men who, even years later, continue to support each other, ask questions and learn.
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He now has the confidence and emotional maturity to approach women in person rather than online, such as in a café, bookshop, park or on the street – something many men avoid doing due to embarrassment or social pressure, he says.
But another key tip he gleaned from the programme was to never focus on the outcome. "They teach you not to expect to get a number, to expect to get the date or to expect her to like you. But more to make her day. Pay her a compliment, tell her she's wearing a nice jacket. Focus on the positive rather than taking advantage."
Above all, getting a dating coach taught him to show vulnerability, find his own communication style and be true to himself.
"You have to find your people. I'm goofy. I make silly jokes and say cheesy things. I've been on dates where they don't appreciate the jokes, so it's not going to work out. Because I want to be with someone who likes at least half of the jokes at the table."
If you have a story to share of dating in the city, get in touch! i.vivian@brusselstimes.com
*Name has been changed to protect the speaker's identity.
