Kristina Chetcuti, a registered health coach (UKIHCA) specialising in behaviour change and lifestyle medicine (ELMO), answers your lifestyle dilemmas.
Q. I’ve been with my partner for many years, and while we’re happy, our sex life has become less frequent than it used to be. I sometimes wonder whether this is something we should be concerned about. Is there an ideal frequency? There’s so much conflicting information about how often couples ‘should’ be having sex, and whether it really makes a difference to the relationship and to overall health. How do we know what’s normal, and if it’s something that needs to be addressed?
A. There are two things that help people live the longest, as science is constantly showing us. The first is having a purpose in life, and the second is connection to other humans.
And of course, sex is, to our minds, the ultimate form of human connection – it’s everything rolled in one: touch, communication, biological instinct. So much so that it’s almost something that we have to ‘perform’ well and ‘benchmark’ ourselves against, giving rise to the myth of ‘how often’.
From an evolutionary perspective, sex is necessary not only for reproduction, but also because it sets off a firework display of physiological responses: oxytocin (heart-eyes bonding), endorphins (great mood), dopamine (the “woohoo” feeling), and a drop in cortisol (hello zen).
However, humans were never likely to have been fixated on sexual frequency in the way we are today. Did Fred Flintstone and Barney compare their sex lives? We don’t know, but so far, we have not come across any cave paintings of bedposts with notches on them.
So, I would tend to think that the idea of an ‘ideal’ number of times couples should be having sex is largely a contemporary construct, shaped in part by media and the rather odious comparison culture we now live in.
In fact, observations of hunter-gatherer societies suggest a very different reality. Their sexual activity is not scheduled, measured, or performance-driven, but embedded within the rhythms of daily life. It is shaped by the opportunity for privacy (“The rest of the tribe is out gathering berries, fancy a kiss behind the bush?”), energy levels (“Forget it, I’ve hunted an antelope for three days, I’m knackered”), childcare demands (“Are we there yet?”), and emotional connection (“Gosh, you look pretty in that antelope-skin skirt”).
Rather than being about regularity for its own sake, sex is shaped by context. Seen this way, humans are not especially ‘primed’ for sex every day, but rather for flexibility: desire and intimacy ebb and flow in response to life circumstances.
However, most of us no longer live in tribes where sex time has to be ‘snatched’ at the right moment. Our living arrangements now offer couples plenty of opportunities for privacy, and this is precisely what increases the pressure, especially once a relationship passes the three-year mark.
Intimacy, once spontaneous and electric, no longer feels quite the same. And this is where many couples begin to wonder: is this normal? And then inevitably: how often should we be having sex?
The pressure to meet this imagined ‘normal’ can be tremendous. And yet, there is no universal number. A widely cited study (Muise et al., 2016) found that an average of once a week tends to be associated with higher reported wellbeing. Beyond that, the benefit appears to plateau.
So, whether it is six times a week or once a week, the benefits are broadly similar. But, of course, these are averages, not prescriptions. They do not account for the complexity of real lives. Real lives, such as: chronic stress, poor sleep, a sedentary lifestyle, alcohol overuse, smoking, and metabolic conditions – all lifestyle factors that can have a negative impact on a healthy sex.
Moreover, many couples in Brussels are navigating relocations, frequent travel, and the juggling of time with extended family in another country. In this adopted city of ours, relationships are often lived across flights, deadlines, and multiple languages, hence, switched-on minds and switched-off bodies.
And then there is the Brussels weather: grey skies and long winters such as this last one can affect mood, energy, and libido, encouraging hibernation mode. Bottom line: desire is not static; it responds to our environment.
What actually helps
Eye contact and more
Research in relationship psychology consistently shows that in long-term relationships we often expect desire to remain spontaneous, when in reality it tends to become responsive: desire follows connection and shared moments of closeness.
In other words: a hand on the back as you pass in the hallway; a conversation that is not about logistics or errands; actually looking at your partner while they’re talking rather than at your phone; eye contact that lingers a second longer than usual; holding hands; a long hug in the kitchen.
These are not substitutes for sex, but the foundations of it. Because the body responds not only to sex itself – rather, ta-da! – oxytocin, endorphins and dopamine are also triggered by simple acts of affectionate touch.
Playtime
Studies on adult playfulness show that couples who play, report higher relationship satisfaction and greater emotional closeness. It does not necessarily mean playing tag around the house (although, why not?).
It could be teasing, inside jokes, silly voices, or the novelty of doing something slightly challenging together . It could be physical playfulness such as tickling, mock wrestling or dancing. Or simply playing board games (although no relationship has ever been improved by a game of Monopoly).
I hope this reality helps to reduce unnecessary pressure and place sex within the broader context of everyday life, even in a world far removed from Fred Flintstone. In the end, there is no ‘normal’, there’s only what works for two people in a life they are actually living.
Got a lifestyle health question you’ve been turning over in your mind? Send your dilemmas to k.westwood@brusselstimes.com, and we'll tackle them confidentially right here.
