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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
Ursula von der Leyen’s reappointment as European Commission president may not be a done deal, as political infighting and past scandals could yet torpedo her chances. Le Chou runs through the potential alternatives.
Silly season has begun early this time around, with more than a month to go before the European election, tongues are wagging all over Brussels about who should be the next head of the Commission.
Until a couple of months ago, von der Leyen’s reappointment was considered to be a racing certainty. But her chances have gradually started to fade. So who could do the job instead? Here are Le Chou’s exclusive picks.
An empty chair
In what could be one of the boldest budget cuts yet made by the European Council, the head of the European Commission could be replaced by an empty chair in meetings.
Two diplomats told Le Chou that EU leaders are keen to slash expenditure even further than they already have and see von der Leyen’s big pay packet as low hanging fruit.
Council officials have also started drawing up plans to list the Commission president’s Berlaymont apartment as an AirBnB. The accommodation has already drawn heavy interest from sad EU nerds looking to get a taste of high-level fonctionnaire life.
Chances? 3 stars out of 5
Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen
House Harkonnen’s ruthless scion and governor of the desert planet of Arrakis is seen as a potential candidate for the position, after his recent exploits in securing spice harvesting.
Although Feyd-Rautha’s human rights record has been called into question by leftwing activists, his ability to turbocharge industrial output and reestablish House Harkonnen as a competitive player in the galaxy has made him a darling in conservative circles.
“Sure, he’s attempted to commit genocide against an entire people and he’s clearly a psychopath who kills for pleasure, but you can’t argue with his numbers. Imagine what he could do for the hydrogen economy,” suggested one industry leader.
Feyd-Rautha may not be available to take the position as there are unconfirmed reports that his knife chipped and shattered during a duel with a mysterious religious leader on Arrakis.
Chances? If he's alive, 4 out of 5. If he's dead, 2 out of 5
Emmanuel Macron in disguise
France’s president is reportedly one of the main reasons why von der Leyen’s job is in jeopardy.
Concerned with the prospect of her sinking further into the pocket of the German government, Macron is manoeuvring to either exert more influence over von der Leyen or replace her completely.
When asked by close confidants who he would trust to fill the role, France’s head of state cryptically replied that he would only trust himself. That comment is now seen as a statement of intent by political analysts.
“Show me the rule that says he can’t do both jobs at once. Also, we saw a shipment of fake moustaches and fancy hats delivered to the Elysee Palace last week. It’s pretty obvious what Macron is planning,” explained one pundit.
Indeed, candid photos published on Instagram by Macron’s official photographer show him trying on a fake beard and a special EU-branded turtleneck.
Chances? 4 out of 5
Two cheeky raccoons stuffed into a trenchcoat
Two cheeky raccoons stuffed into a trenchcoat narrowly missed out on being appointed the next NATO secretary-general last year. The popular duo were beaten in the final vote by Larry the Cat, the UK prime minister’s official feline representative.
After a period of reflection and quality time rooting through the bins behind the European Parliament, two raccoons are back and ready to relaunch their political career.
“We thought that the defeat in the NATO race was the end for two raccoons stuffed into a trenchcoat but they’ve proved us wrong. I see them as a genuine contender,” said a hedgehog that Le Chou bumped into in Parc Josephat.
Two raccoons have already outlined the kind of policies they would like to implement if given the job, most of which revolve around reversing recycling targets and increasing household waste output.
It remains to be seen whether national leaders will buy into this political vision.
Chances? 2 (raccoons) out of 5
Pedro Sanchez
So hot right now.
Chances? Hot.
Extra! Extra!
*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
